When You Just Want Peace

Mornings like this feel like a gift. The window is open, a crisp breeze wafts in along with the voices of neighbors and the quietness of a day just beginning. I sit by said window curled up on my sofa with piping-hot coffee and a stack of books. I watch Cohen zooming around the living room with his flying car, and Everett watching Cohen. Not every morning is this peaceful, not every day do I wake up with my life feeling right - so this morning I savor it, drink it in with long, slow sips. And I think about what it is in early mornings and late evenings - dawn and dusk - that I love so much, and I'd have to say I think it's the peace in them, the quiet.


Peace; the look on my babies' faces while they sleep, the crackling of a campfire, the hush of night against the glow of 10 million stars.

"I became in His eyes as one who found peace..." That scripture from Song of Solomon is one of my favorites. And I did find peace... It took four years of my world turning upside down, it took me getting really sick, it took the death of someone I had loved very much, it took me fighting against God's hand on and in my life, fighting with all my strength for my rights until that strength ran out. Everything I touched had to turned to mess and I reached the end of myself. Like a dam, my wall of pride broke and like a river God's peace came rushing in. Slowly my life has grown less messy, and all the things that didn't make sense or seemed unfair have found a resting place. I found peace when I surrendered, yielded, finally chose to trust Him.

My favorite hymn is called, "O Love That Will Not Let Me Go" - the first time I ever heard it was at a Primitive Baptist singing school when I was maybe 12 or 13 years old. A woman introduced it by telling the story of how it was written: George Matheson was born with poor eyesight that grew progressively worse and worse. The woman he loved abandoned him because of it, and he had to depend mostly on his older sister for help because it was so crippling. The night of his sister's wedding Gorge knew she was moving to a new stage in life and out of a deep loneliness, he wrote these words. Later, he remembered that they came to him in a matter of minutes and he never changed a word.

O Love that will not let me go, 
I rest my weary soul in Thee
I give Thee back the life I owe, 
That in Thine ocean depths its flow, 
May richer, fuller be.

O night that followest all my way, 
I yield my flickering torch to Thee; 
My heart restores its borrowed ray, 
That in Thy sunshine's blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain
I cannot close my heart to Thee; 
I trace the rainbow through the rain
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be. 

O Cross that liftest up my head, 
I dare not ask to fly from Thee
I lay in dust life's glory dead, 
And from the ground there blossoms red, 
Life that shall endless be. 

Peace.

"I have told you these things so that you may have peace in Me. In this world you will have trials and sorrow. But take heart, I have overcome the world." 

As Christians, I feel like we so often have an answer for everything. The big crisis of faith came for me when I encountered parts of my story there weren't any answers for. This is my difficulty with the oversimplified "prosperity" gospels or whatever you call them... Because I do think God loves to bless His children, give good gifts to His children, heal His children. Miracles happen and He does answer prayer. God takes deep pleasure in our joy. And yet we miscarry, we lose jobs, we get sick, loved ones die... in this world we will have trials. And peace doesn't start when all the trials stop. Peace comes when we remember that He has overcome the world, when we trace the rainbow through the rain and cling to the promise that He does make all things new.

Sometimes everyone is healthy, the car is running, bills are paid, the marriage is happy and strong, birds are chirping, and the morning is quiet and still. And at the risk of sounding overly spiritual, it's a kiss from Heaven. And then sometimes trials come, sorrows come, life stops making sense, and there is no three-part answer, no Scripture that will make the pain leave or clear the fog that overshadows the intentions of a vast God. Sometimes real life doesn't fit into our ecclesiastical boxes. Sometimes we don't even want answers anymore; we just want peace.

Maybe I'm writing this for my friend who is going through something unimaginably difficult, maybe it's for the parents who feel like they are losing a child, maybe I'm writing it for myself so that when trials come I will remember: O Love that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in Thee. I give Thee back the life I owe, that in Thine ocean depths its flow, may richer, fuller be.

On mornings like this one, with open windows and singing birds and happy babies it's easy. But that will change. There will be sorrow, there will be trials, Jesus said it. And He has overcome. He gives us His peace moment by moment, day after day. It's our promise, our portion, and that will never change. He will be our peace.