I would like to preface what I am about to write by saying that I almost didn’t write it, mainly out of a fear of being misunderstood. I am not writing this from a place of judgment, harshness, or rebellion so please do not hear or read that kind of tone in my words. I am not trying to stir the proverbial pot. I am simply offering perspective, something I think you can never have too much of. It’s a perspective I didn’t realize so many women, girls, and even men shared until I started having conversations about it. I am writing with an open heart. Please read on with an open heart.
Quite often on my Facebook news feed I see blog posts and articles shared on the topic of modesty. Every time, I get the same sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and for a while I ignored it. Recently, I was compelled by a friend to dig a little deeper and figure out why these treatments of the topic of modesty bother me so much.
I grew up in a very conservative Christian culture. I heard that modest was hottest and that my body could cause my brothers in Christ to stumble so I needed to cover and hide it in whatever ways protected them. Sometimes this was difficult. We went swimming and I would wear a one piece swimsuit with a t-shirt and shorts to cover anything that could possibly be exposed, and still felt really embarrassed when I would emerge from the water. The t-shirt would cling to my body and I felt guilty about what someone might see. In high school I went on a date with a guy to an event that required semi-formal attire. I shopped all day to find something beautiful and appropriate for the date, even had it altered to make it more appropriate and then had it approved by my dad. The guy who took me on said date felt like my dress was still too revealing and later I found out that he used the word “slutty” to describe it. As a girl who had been taught nothing but my responsibility to cover my body and protect my Christian brothers, I was mortified.
Growing up, I agreed that yoga pants and deep V-necks (which weren’t even trendy back then), bikinis and short shorts were inappropriate, scandalous and sometimes even (gasp) “slutty”. I would have “liked” and maybe even shared a blog post condemning such attire, but now I read treatments of the modesty topic and something in me cringes. While I think at times these articles can be helpful in calling attention to a real and relevant issue (our need for sensitivity to the weakness of others) I have come to realize that often the (“modest is hottest”) conservative Christian treatment of modesty (sorry if that sounds like I’m stereotyping; I can’t think of a better title) ignores something crucial- the objectification of a woman’s body in any form or fashion and the effects these kinds of conversations might have on her heart or self-image. Much of the discussion surrounding the topic of modesty created a pattern of thought in my mind that was somewhat destructive.
Firstly, I started to think that girls and women who do wear yoga pants, bikinis, “insert hot topic scandalous fashion trend here”, etc. are scandalous, inappropriate, and dressing to get attention from members of the opposite sex. This translated into me (subconsciously or not) judging or making a lot of assumptions about someone’s heart and character based on their CLOTHING. In one of the modesty blog posts I’ve read, the author directly connects the way a woman dresses to a desire for attention and while maybe at times that is the case, sometimes it is most definitely not the case.
To be perfectly honest, I wear yoga pants because they don’t turn the postpartum loose skin on my stomach into a muffin top. Also I can work out, do laundry, go to the grocery store and even sleep in the same article of clothing, and not look like I’m wearing pajamas. Coming from a relatively new mom of two, that turns yoga pants into a miraculous gift from above. When I was 9 months pregnant, I wore yoga pants because I couldn’t squeeze into anything else, maternity pants fell off of me (because I’m 5 feet tall), and sweatpants looked like pajamas.
Typically if I wear something, it’s because I think its feminine, elegant, flattering or it’s a fashion trend I really like. And I like fashion trends not because of what some guy will think about me, but because of how it makes me feel (luxurious, elegant, feminine, beautiful, etc.). I want to feel beautiful because I’m a woman and it’s in my nature, not because some man on the street recognizing my beauty will rock my world. Obviously, I love when Daniel (my husband) thinks I’m sexy and it feels nice to receive affirmation that I look nice or beautiful, but the kind of perverted “sexualization” many of these bloggers reference is in no way on my radar when I pick out my outfit of the day. I understand that this point might be applicable for some; however I also don’t like the shade of judgment this kind of thinking casts at other women.
Secondly, I began to think of my body as something that I need to cover up instead of something beautiful that God created in His image. If a man checked me out or looked at me the wrong way, instead of feeling disrespected I felt a combination of guilt and embarrassment. As a result of hearing the pervasive message that it was my responsibility to keep my brothers in Christ from stumbling, I began to feel that if anyone looked at me inappropriately it was my fault. While I wholeheartedly embrace the Biblical concept of not causing someone else to stumble, I think it’s dangerous to build an argument for modesty on those grounds alone. By saying that a woman’s body could cause a man to lust so it needs to be covered up, we are perpetuating the idea that a woman’s body is an object to be either lusted after or hidden, rather than a beautiful reflection of God’s image that should be respected and admired. I have seen way more articles and blog posts written on “hot modesty” and the responsibility to not cause anyone to stumble than I have on respecting yourself enough to not let yourself be treated as an object by any man. I want to evaluate my wardrobe choices not along the lines of what I can get away with and still not cause someone to stumble. I want to think along the lines of what makes me feel comfortable and beautiful and empowered as a godly, principled, modest woman.
Speaking of, I would like to address the issue of this word “modest”. It is used more often than not as some kind of standard of bikinis vs. one-pieces, yoga-pants vs. sweat-pants, etc. The word “modesty” used in the Bible can maybe be related to that topic but, if you trace it back to its Greek origins, actually means something quite different.
1 Timothy 2:9 reads: “And I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or costly garments, but rather by means of good works, as is proper for women making a claim to godliness.”
The word “modestly” here actually comes from the Greek root “aidous” which means a sense of shame. The word “discreetly” comes from the Greek root “sōphrosunēs” which means “soundness of mind, self-control”. It would seem that, according to this Scripture, I should dress with soundness of mind and self-control and not wear anything that could make me feel ashamed. Those actually sound like pretty great standards to me, and like maybe modesty isn’t something nearly as black and white as many of these writers are making it out to be. Also, if we are taking this Scripture literally, it could just as easily be used as an argument against a Michael Kors bag or diamond earrings.
My last point is that this kind of thinking has influenced me to see men as unsafe, sexual creatures with no control over their impulses or desires. I think it’s actually emasculating to men to say women need to not wear jeans or yoga pants (technically speaking, they fit a lot of women the exact same way) because of a general lack of self-control or issue of weakness. If that’s true, then I never want to go to the beach with my husband, the pool with my husband, or to a restaurant on Friday night with my husband because what is a godly man supposed to even do with his eyes in that kind of temptation trap?! My hope is that my husband hasn’t just learned to bounce his eyes, but that he has learned to see a woman as something beautiful, respectable and admirable, rather than some kind of sexual object. And my hope is that we can raise our two boys to see women in the same way. This is the kind of thinking that gives me confidence in my husband and hope for men in general. It gives me hope as a mom of two boys that I can prepare them to be the exception rather than the norm in a world where the sexual objectification of women has become accepted and expected among non-Christians and sometimes Christians.
Let me summarize by saying this: I am not arguing for or against certain kinds of active wear or swimwear. I am simply trying to offer perspective. Maybe the issue is not as black and white or as simple as it is often made out to be. And by over-simplifying it we go beyond protecting struggling young men and run the risk of communicating something potentially destructive to young women. I have talked to so many girls who share the same kind of confusion and guilt when it comes to modesty. While I will whole-heartedly take responsibility for the way I present my body and carry myself in public, I do not take responsibility for the way men may look at me or how their sin may pervert what God created as good and wholesome. I do want to be proactively sensitive when it comes to the issue of lust, just like I want to be proactively sensitive when it comes to the issues of alcohol abuse, gluttony, gossip, or any other sin. And I want to proactively choose love, positivity and sensitivity rather than judgment and criticism when it comes to the hearts of other women.
There are so many issues and real things going on in the world that are probably more important and need to be talked about but I just had to get this out there. Do with it what you will. There is also so much more that could be said and maybe even needs to be said… But my two-year-old keeps trying to sit on my ten-month old, so I should probably go deal with that.
Thank you for listening!
Cheers.
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